Question on @Quora: What was the first time you realized you could not succeed at something, even if you tried your hardest?

Found this question on Quora and you know something people no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t succeed at this one thing. No matter what I said or did. It just wouldn’t budge or change. It remained the same. It didn’t matter how I felt, what I thought or what I said. It never changed but remained the same. Some nights I cried and wondered why it wouldn’t happen for me. I wondered many night what the hell was wrong with me.

The thing that I failed at numerous times was trying to change people. Man you will have a heart attack or brain aneurysm trying to crack that Da Vinci Code. I mean really how in the hell could I change somebody when I couldn’t even change myself. It amazes me how we live in a world where as people we think and believe that we have the antidote for someone else’s problems in life. Or we think that just based off of who we are, what we are and what we are about it is enough for a person to see us and say man if I don’t change and get my act together for them then I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if I lose them. That’s not how it happens. That’s not how it goes. You can only present change to an individual. The most high didn’t make us the persuaders, the convincer, a heart regulator and a mind changer. He is all of that. Our job is just to show a man where to get the bread if he’s hungry and show a man where to get some water if he’s thirsty. The rest is up to that individual and the most high. Your job is complete. End of story. Rap it up, put a bow on it and set that thang under a tree.

My wife and I who I have known since 2007 ever since freshman year of high school. We stating dating back in 2012 and I used to always wonder why in the hell did she act the way that she acted. Little did I know I wasn’t just wondering I was actually about to fall into a state of trying to figure things out and fix the problem for her. She never really talked. Well naw the girl ran her mouth it’s just that she never expressed herself. What I mean by this was she never said answered questions of if I were to ask her how she was doing. She would look at me and say what are you trying to find out about me. I would say nothing just making conversation. Then she ask it again and I could see a wall go up between us. That made me pursue the answer more. Next she would hit me with why are you bothering me. You are always nit picking. I felt like dang. At some point I better stop before she cry rape. I’m kidding, she’s a little cray-cray but that’s my latina wife 🙄😏. You know my now wife was in a previous relationship before she got with me about 5ish 6 months later. I knew the details of it. But I didn’t realize how big of a toll that it took on her mentally and physically. That showed me when a women goes through heart aches and pains. Boy oh boy they suffer. I actually told her that we should just be friends first, because it’s been a minute and I don’t know who you are and you don’t know who I am at this stage of our lives. But she insisted that no I’m good and I said being me iight let’s do this then. More into our relationship we wouldn’t see eye to eye. I felt that kind of empty inside. I felt that I couldn’t enjoy my significant other because they were bleeding and I was watching them bleed and they didn’t tell me where and what was the source of their injury so I could assist them in getting patched up so we can make the bleeding stop. The more and more that she fought I would fight back. Then the next thing you know other people would chime in that we thought that we were just seeking out advise from older folks and friends who have been there and done it all and could share some wisdom with us so we could make it work and correct ourselves.

You think they helped????

They actually seen how vulnerable we both were and began to pin us against each other. Great something else that we gotta deal with. So as it got worst we got worse. Then I began to say to myself out loud I’ll care for us for the both of us. Now that is not me fisherofmen know when it’s time to leave. I don’t do people’s work for them. But for some reason I thought that I was carrying for her. I thought that I was being a friend. Really I didn’t have the answers and I was being hurt in the process. She didn’t want to and didn’t know how to deal with her problems because she was holding onto everything that had happened to her from childhood on up. Kool and me I was just trying to figure out why in the hell did I get into this relationship. I was just going to come to college and live it up. What was I smoking on.

You know you live and you learn as time goes on. I genuinely care about this women. I was new to the relationship field. I was around a lot of girls but didn’t understand what it meant to be with a person who was a certain way before they knew you and got with you. Both of us came into the relationship with our ideologies of how everything is going to go between us. I just love to help and I thought that she would be very receptive to me if I opened up and would express myself to her freely and openly. Then she might not be afraid and closed down to the idea of doing so herself. I didn’t understand that there is a level of patience that you have to display with being in a relationship with someone else.

To people that have been married for 10-50+ years. I salute you. That’s not alot of loving. That’s a lot of waking up and rolling over sometimes looking at your spouse saying what the hell is wrong with you? Or what person will I get today? Or maybe if I kill him/her and burry them no body would notice. But whatever you been through with that person you still made it. So salute.

But things later on got better and this is how it happened. I took a step back one morning walking down the street talking to my now wife. I was so used to her blaming me for stuff and placing me in a position of control and authority not just over my life but her life as well. I talked for both of us and thought for the both of us. I felt this nudged down on the inside of me. I give credit to the holy spirit. I remember I was just tired and over it and I told Jackie to shut up and listen and I heard no you shut up and listen.

She didn’t say it. No one else said it walking by. I just heard a voice a loud booming voice. And I’m no dummy I knew what that was. It was at that moment I replayed back mostly everything that we have been through and put ourselves through and I said Jackie wait. This is wrong. I love you but if we are going to continue being together you are going to have to grow up. I gotta grow up. Your here take back all of your garbage. I need to stop because I just realized that you have placed me as a idol over your life. I’m like the voice of reasoning for you. How can you change if I’m the one with your stuff in my possession?

When I realized that I too allowed alot of my troubled past to creep in and infiltrate our relationship mixed with outside voices. I too was crying out for help and attention and a solution to this problem. I realized that I couldn’t handle her stuff and my stuff. I realized that wait something is wrong I’m losing myself in this relationship because I too can’t get over myself and deal with my past. How can I change someone and I can’t even change myself. That day I will never forget. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I finally realized like hey it may hurt me to see my buddy suffer like that but I can’t do no more than pray for them and point in the direction of a solution to their problem. I can’t do it for them or be suckered into taking pity on them.

They are accountable for their stuff just like I am accountable for my stuff. I can be there for them but I can’t do it for them. It’s a difference. Man the relationship started getting alot better once we cut off alot of stuff that wasn’t adding but subtracting from us. We started talking more and I got a chance to hear Jackie. She got a chance to release her baggage. I was very proud to see her be set free from that crap. And as for me I appreciated the hell that we went through for those 4 or 5 years of dating. It showed me who was my friends, what family members I could count on, and how to work with someone. Also it showed me myself to and the picture wasn’t pretty either. Through all of that I slipped into some mess that I shouldn’t have that placed more of a black cloud over me and Jackie. But in the end that is my wife and I want nothing but the best for her. I just have wisdom and knowledge on how to go about it now.